Let’s [not] get married

(News Terupdate) - This Valentine’s Day, rumor has it actor Leonardo DiCaprio will ask his model girlfriend Bar Rafaeli for her hand in marriage, according to the many gossip sites on the Internet.

Last year, actor Vince Vaughn who recently married Kyla Webber also proposed to his now wife on Feb. 14.

Marriage is such a big decision in the Western culture that the proposal has become an important part of the process.

Timing is important, which explains why some chose Valentine’s Day to propose to their loved one. In a typical proposal a la Western, the man — or the woman — will select a ring, prepare a speech, find a perfect time and place and kneel down to pop the question.

In Indonesia however, these personal types of proposals are a rarity. Proposals tend to be more of a family affair, than an intimate defining moment in the couple’s relationship.

Twenty-eight-year old Erlangga Muhammad, who says he had his heart set on marrying his partner, decided he would not propose to his girlfriend in that manner.

“That’s not my style,” he said.

Having been in a relationship for two years, Erlangga has been talking about marriage with her girlfriend, but doesn’t know when he will marry her, as his family does not approve of their religious differences.

For University of Indonesia gender and culture expert Manneke Budiman, the differences in marriage proposal rituals between the West, which tends to champion the individual, and the East, with a more collectivist psyche, boil down to culture.

“Decisions, even though they concern the life of one individual only, are taken collectively in the Eastern culture, because whatever the decision, it still needs the ‘blessing’, support and moral acceptance of the community,” he said.

“While in the west, matters of companionship, beliefs and life choices are people’s personal business, protected by privacy,” he said.

“In the East, people who violate conventions will be morally sanctioned. Someone can be banished, marginalized, or ridiculed by the community if he or she makes a decision without consulting them [members of the community].

“Therefore marriage and the choice of life companion becomes complex as it involves background checks of the bride and groom’s family, social class, etc.”

Astri Wahyuni, a mother of one in her third year of marriage, concurred that in Indonesia, marriage proposals where a partner personally asked his or her partner for their hand, were not as big a deal as in Western countries.

“Usually, before the marriage proposal comes up, the couple can already sense whether the relationship is serious or not,” she said. A sign of a serious relationship can be being introduced to the parents.

“Even though the guy hasn’t literally asked about marriage, the relationship is already going in that direction,” she said.

“Maybe because there [in the West], marriage is a huge decision,” she said. With a more liberal culture, in which people can chose to live together without getting married, a marriage proposal can seem like a giant leap, she added.

Astri’s relationship with her now-husband moved at a fast page with both of them knowing their relationship would lead to marriage.

“I knew we were going to get married. But one night, Mas Ajar took me to BNI tower to see Jakarta’s city lights. He then presented me the wedding ring we had ordered from the shop,” she said, referring to her husband Ajar Aedi.

“He asked whether I would want to be the mother of his children.”

For Astri, already knowing the two of them were heading for marriage, the proposal was a bonus that made her feel happy because she now has a moment to remember. It was romantic of her husband to do that, she went on.

Bogor resident Dita Amanda, 27, doesn’t need the marriage proposal ritual. After being in three long-term relationships, she said she was looking for a man serious about getting married, therefore it would be clear from the start that the next man she was with would be her husband.

“I don’t want to just be going out with a guy. I’m looking for a lifetime partner,” she said. A marriage proposal would be nice, but not necessary, she added.

Despite marriage proposals not being popular in Indonesia, there are a few exceptions, with people feeling the need to express their feelings in person, by asking their partners to marry them.

Globalization has also brought values such as individualism, personal freedom and the right to decide one’s future into communities that hold collective values, Manneke argued.

“Some gentlemanly values have been adopted on this side of the world, such as kneeling in front of a woman to propose. Also it is no longer taboo for a woman to express her feelings first to a man.”.

Riri Widyahapsari, age 27, remembered her boyfriend popped the question after two years of being in relationship.

She was studying in Boston, US, at the time, while her boyfriend Daman Wijaya, also 27, was in Pune, India. They were in a long distance relationship for three and a half years, until they reunited last year in Jakarta.

For her birthday in 2007, Daman sent Riri a DVD of all of his friends in India wishing her a happy birthday and cheering her long distance relationship with Daman. He sent the DVD with a golden ring, and at the end of the video asked Riri to be his wife.

“Riri blew it by saying the ring was ugly,” Daman joked. “But that’s the Riri I like,” he added.

Daman realized Riri was special to him when they spent time apart. “You don’t know what someone means to you until you’re away from them,” he said.

“Because Riri meant something to me, I made the DVD.”

Riri, however, did not immediately agree to marry Daman after receiving the fateful DVD.

“I didn’t want to get married yet at that time,” she said. They started fighting about it, so Riri said she didn’t want to talk about marriage until October 2009.

Daman kept his promise and stopped asking her about marriage. “And on the first October around 12 p.m., he called,” she said.

“I said, ‘Ok. Ok. Yes”.

It felt very natural with Daman, Riri explained.

“I thought it would be weird to meet each other again after being apart for so long. But it wasn’t. It just felt right.”

For Citra Indah Lestari, 27, a personal marriage proposal is an expression of someone’s love.

“Parents might prod: ‘What are you waiting for?’ You have a job; you’ve been going out for ages; you have the same religion; you have your parents’ approval — even the woman’s parents have been pushing for it,” Citra said.

But when a guy proposes, with or without a ring, it shows he really wants to get married, he wants to marry me and not someone else, and wants to get married not because he’s financially secure, but purely because he wants to grow old with me, she went on.

However, Citra, who married her husband in January, was the one to bring up the topic of marriage first, because her parents asked her to. Then on her birthday, around a year into the relationship, her now husband, Fikri Muhammad Al Azhar said: “Let’s get married”.

“That was all,” she said.

Despite the proposal not being as romantic as she had dreamed of, Citra said she knew in her heart her husband really wanted to marry her. Citra, a Javanese, said Fikri’s family at first disapproved of her not being Minang.

“He worked hard to convince his family to allow him to marry me. So that shows he was serious”.

Posted in: News Today